25 Things Not To Do Before You're 37

Now, as the years begin to slip by there is at least one compensation: you do all sorts of incredibly stupid things which are magically transformed from "mistakes" into "experience" by the mere passage of time. Given that, here are 25 things that, in my experience, are to be avoided ...

1. Never ever swap from your usual party drink of beer to wine on the basis you'll "drink less that way and thus avoid getting embarrassingly drunk".
2. Never think you can hide from a Mormon - you may have turned the lights off and all be hiding among the old paint tins and broken bits of unrecognisable stuff in the cellar, but those guys are like the Terminator - they'll still find you. (In fact, send them tot he Tora Bora mountains and in no time Osama bin Laden will be (a) found and (b) be getting ready to move to Utah with his three new brides)
   
3. Never ever vote for a plausible guy with good teeth on the basis that however bad a PM he may turn out to be, at least he won't take the country to war at the first opportunity.
4. Never mistake a prospective partner's neuroses, insecurity and rampant attention-seeking for charm, wit or "being fun to be with".
5. Never think "these drugs [illegal or legal] aren't working ... I'll have some more and see if that works"
6. Never claim to be able to keep a secret - alcohol, lust, incompetence or the simple need to gossip will always win out in the end.
7. Never expect anyone else to be able to keep a secret - see (6) above.
8. Never leave the result of a tight election contest to a bunch of judges - especially ones chosen by former Presidents.
   
9. Never go for a very long walk in brand new shoes.
10. Ginger people must never hang their suntan-lotion-free arms out of a car window for the whole journey from Cairo to the Red Sea on the hottest day Egypt has seen in a decade.
11. Never go out with someone who won't tell their parents you're going out for more than, say, 18 months.
12. Never go on the fairground waltzer after more than 5 pints.
13. Never turn down the suggestion by three attractive female journalists you've just bumped into in the street that you accompany them to a nearby nightclub, especially when the alternative is realising what you've done halfway through that pint of water you're downing with a couple of Nurofen at home in front of Programmes For The Open University1.
14. Never underestimate the bloody-minded fury of an irate goose.
15. If you smoke, never have fewer than 10 cigarettes on you at any time; stuff pain, suffering, losing your job or - indeed - lung cancer, running out of cigarettes is the worst thing that can happen when you're a smoker.
16. Never become a smoker (see 15).
17. Never try to wedge the door of a tube train open with a bag containing a large selection of fireworks intended for a Bonfire Night party.
18. Never consider going out with somebody who mentions their church within 10 minutes of meeting you.
19. Never try the full ashtanga primary sequence while hungover.
20. Never lend someone a book unless (a) you don't plan to read it again or (b) you've got a spare copy.
21. Never place items which are both (a) fragile and (b) breakable in a precarious precision thinking, "I won't knock it over, I couldn't possibly be that clumsy".
22. Never give in to the overpowering desire for a late-night kebab with extra chilli-sauce if you are unprepared for the inevitable consequences next day.
23. Never shave before ensuring beyond all doubt that your partner hasn't borrowed it do her legs / underarms / oh-dear-lord-it-really-doesn't-bear-thinking-about.
24. Never go into a World Cup thinking, "Finally, this could really be Holland's year".
25. Never let the bastards get you down - unless they're much bigger bastards than you and they look like they might have violent tendencies, obviously.
    

1 Clearly this only applies in the pre-finding your life-partner phase of life.